Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a day of strange emotions for me. It was the last day that my mother was alive.

She was so vibrant and full of life that day, after months of being unable to leave her bed and eating only chocolate ice cream. Our family came to our home, and she cooked lunch. I was 13. She asked me after everyone left if I wanted to play cards with her.

"I think I can remember how to count now..." She was an accountant, and the cancer had hurt her so much that she couldn't count to 12 in order to play Skip Bo.

"I don't think so." I was busy chatting with my e-friends. Even at that age, I looked better in writing.

"Oh..." I could tell how disappointed she was.

"Mom, I am too old to play cards with you."

It was the last thing I ever said to her.

I had no clue that she would die the next day. I thought I had more time. I thought I had days, even weeks, left to spend with her..but the next morning, it was over. I never got to say goodbye. I never said "I love you". I never said "I wish we'd had more time".

I'd like to think that I've lived the rest of my life saying those things, over and over. I am Agnostic; I do not believe that there is some sentient spirit of my mother living in Heaven, watching over me and waiting for me to get to her. But sometimes I have these dreams, and they are so real... I think there must be something of her left.

Today was my first Mother's Day. But again, the strange mix of emotions: guilt, sadness, fear, anger...and this time around, happiness. Sheer joy to be spending this day with my son.

Some things never change. Thankfully, this did.